Listen to “Sex Addiction 101: 7 Reasons Why The Disease Based Model is Hurting You” on Spreaker.

Read an Edited Transcript of the Show:

Today we are going to talk about the good part about sex addiction and porn addiction. Now stay with me because I know that sounds crazy considering that sex addiction and porn addiction almost destroyed me, my family and that of my clients. So, what do I mean by the good part?

I’m going to explain that to you, but I also have a thoughtful caveat or warning for some of the people. I’m going to deliver that in a second, but first, shout out to Brian. I am so blessed and so privileged to have this incredible opportunity to connect with people all over the world, and everybody who works with me has the opportunity to write me a testimonial on the website, trustpilot.com. I want to read what Brian had to say because yeah, I’m tying it in to what we’re doing today. 

“Craig knows exactly how to hone into what is causing you to make the wrong choices…” We’re going to talk about what’s causing you to make the wrong choices today. He says, “if you are open to some extra work in a few months time, you can start making better choices.”

“This will not only help to potentially repair damage you caused, so your significant other, but will also help you in all aspects of your life. We can’t just create a little bit of success over here and not do the thing. Trust the process and allow yourself to open up to a more logical approach to fixing the habits that cause harm to your current state of life. Trust the process and allow yourself to open up to a more logical approach to fixing the habits that causes harm to your current state of life.”

Thank you, Brian. Perfect segue into what we’re talking about today. But first, as you know, I am blunt, I’m going to say things the way I observed them and I experienced some of them,s and that blunt talk, particularly in light of the subject matter today may be too triggering for some spouses. 

So here’s what I call this concept… this concept is called, “What are the positive attributes of your bad habit, your sex addiction and your porn addiction?” Here’s another crazy way to look at it: “What are the good parts?” Let’s get real. Let’s stop demonizing this behavior. Okay? The more you resist that, what you resist persists, and we need to understand why you’re doing what you did. What’s causing you, as Brian said earlier in his testimonial, to make the wrong choices and demonizing that part of you only makes that part of you stronger.

We need to understand that part and here’s a simple reality. Your sex addiction, your porn addiction, your compulsive behavior, it is serving a purpose. It is meeting a need. It is doing something for you and it is a mistake to not understand what that is. This is one of my most important concepts and it’s one of the first curveballs that I throw my guys in the group and one-on-one and my one-on-one first session. I tell them to tell me all the good parts. Tell me the needs that the behavior is meeting and I’m going to give you an example. I’ve had a lot of clients do some amazing work, and I’ve aggregated their answers into an assignment. Why is this important? Because of all of your negative behavior, all of it is a function of your unmet needs.

Your behavior is a conditioned response, a habitual conditioned response that has been evolving in you over the course of decades. If you’re in your twenties… decades, thirties… decades, forties… decades. Decades of training. Training that you received to react in this way, what does that tell you? It tells you that it’s serving a purpose. It’s been serving a purpose since you were a child, and to ignore that, is to do so at your peril. Now, this is a very difficult exercise to talk about with a partner. So that’s not what this post is about. I’m not talking about how to have this conversation. I’m wanting to inspire you, the man, to better understand why you do what you do, and having that cloak of negativity on all the things that you do, despite its negative ramifications. I get all that. But cloaking it with negativity doesn’t give you data, doesn’t give you information.

You’re not learning why you do what you do, and make no mistake about it, we’re going to talk about porn today, but the negative behavior is always meeting a need. Now it’s meeting that need in a terribly unhealthy, destructive way that’s causing incredible amounts of pain in your life. But that does not mean you should not do this exercise. For the partners who are listening I just want you to know what you’re dealing with and I want you to understand that I’m your partner in a better way. Listen, you’re going to ask them a question and all of it is bad. I feel shame. I’m so disgusting. I get all that. And he’s supposed to say all those things, but the work that we do, I have to do better than that.

I have to help uncover, lift up the hood and we’ll figure out what’s going on. And the simple reality is that this behavior, this porn addiction, this watching porn, this using it as a numbing, coping and escaping strategy when we’re down, when we’re low, when we need to get away, has been happening since we were children. And, so what we’re going to do today is quickly go through some of the positive attributes of watching porn. Excuse me. 

So let’s go through positive attribute number one, it provides an escape from life in general, from stress, from work, from family, from responsibilities, from self doubt and feelings of inadequacy from worry. It provides an escape from anxiety and fear. It provides an escape from feelings of not belonging, overwhelmed, anger, resentment, an inner sense of wrongness about me. It helps me check out for awhile.

No one can bother me and nothing else matters. Queue Metallica song, right? You can just hear it fade right in. Then after that we’ll play Fade toBlack because that’s where this goes. But think about that. You’ve got to manage fear, anxiety, feelings of self doubt, inadequacy in a healthy, constructive way that has to be done, and porn has been serving that purpose since you were a child. I mean just just play back what I just said. I can stop there. I could literally stop this positive attribute exercise here and feel like I would have given you value. It is serving a purpose. It is doing something for you. 

Number two, this is true. It brings immediate and intense pleasure. It has been bringing an immediate and intense pleasure and a very selfish way since we were children. We cannot ignore that reality. I get it. To break a habit, you have to make a habit. You got to know what you’re dealing with. You got to understand that, yeah, it is doing these things for me and this is how I’m going to get these needs met in a healthy, constructive way. 

Here’s another one I love. It makes me feel normal. In other words, watching what I’m watching, the things that they’re doing on the screen make me feel normal. It’s a normal desire, I don’t need to suppress it. You know, porn makes me not feel not abnormal. Okay? That’s this person’s positive attribute. Obviously it helps him deal with stress. It provides a sense of excitement and anticipation, right when you lack purpose. And your life is at that low point. 

You’re in bad shape when watching pornography, the highlight of your day you’re in such a low place that that is the only source of joy. I’m not saying this is good, I’m saying it’s true. And if it’s you, you have to do something about it. Excitement and anticipation gives them a rush. And think about what that rush does… gets the adrenaline going and gets the dopamine going. Going and getting those feel good chemicals flowing in the body and not having to deal with a shit of your everyday life. Yeah. It’s serving a purpose. 

Here’s another positive attribute. It allows me to enjoy other women while still remaining a committed husband. Now we talk a lot about that as porn cheating. Is it not cheating? I’ve addressed that in other podcasts. It depends on how you define it. And what I mean by that is, and by the way, guys, if you’re having that fight, wife thinks porn is cheating. You say it’s not cheating. You’re losing, and I’ve talked about this in other podcasts and find that one, understand why she feels that way. Because for us, the notion that pornography, what I’ve been doing since I was a child by myself in my own little enclave, was like cheating on my wife was preposterous at one point in time. I felt that way and now I get it. When that sexual energy is going someplace else, it is precious. It must be focused and it must be directed. It must be honored and it must be respected. So, but this was the positive attribute, right? Clearly pornography brings enjoyment and pleasure.

And here’s an interesting one, and not everybody connects with this, but some of you do. Some of you know the names of the porn stars. Some of you may follow them on social media. Some of you know their history, or feel like you know something about them, right? The pornography or the camming is providing a connection to this person at some level, even if they’re only on a computer. The camming and watching porn for some men has the positive attribute of meeting their significant need. And I’ve got it in a really pathetic way, but that’s not a judgment, right? Oh, I guess it is. I want you to be open to the needs that this behavior is meeting. It provides a sense of relaxation, right? You guys know there’s nothing that works. The reason why it’s so consuming and why so many people are having problems is because it works. Instant stress relief does something you can’t do without drugs. Instant stress relief. 

Here’s another one. When you’re at a low point and you’re feeling like the walls are closing in around you, your wife is angry, unhappy, feeling unloved, your boss is upset, you’re not performing. Pornography gives you something to look forward to. Again, I’m not saying that’s right. I’m saying that very smart men who have done this exercise have come up with this really important list of positive attributes that I want to share with you to get your mind thinking about how you can do that. Also, a big shout out to Jason, where much of this podcast is based upon some of his answers that he’s allowed me to share with you.

Here’s my favorite positive attribute regarding porn. If you’ve seen Lord of the Rings, I want you to picture Gollum. He was consumed by the ring. It was his precious. Well, here’s what he said about pornography. The positive attribute of pornography, the mindset of “it’s mine.” It’s one of the things that I can go to that’s mine, in a life where I have no control, where quite frankly, I feel like I’m drowning and the world is closing in around me… and I am failing. I’ve got my precious. It is mine. It is mine. And how do you feel, Gollum, when someone tries to take precious away? You get angry, you get resentful, you get judgmental of your partner who’s trying to take this away from you. Please… do not ignore that reality.

I guarantee that if you are in a relationship, you are projecting resentment, authority and control onto your partner. You need to be aware of that. Why? Cause it’s mine. It’s my special thing and it has been my special thing since I was a child. And in light of all that, I want the partners also to appreciate, to help you understand your husbands better. You know, in my experience we all have our stories. I had one thing I had control over. I had autonomy over my body over what I watched and it was my dirty little secret and I loved it. I loved that it was mine.

And it’s so important that you understand and appreciate the gravity of the relationship that you have with pornography. Simply trying to get you to stop doing a couple things is amateur hour. You’ve got to know the needs that it’s meeting. You’ve got to get those needs met in a healthy, constructive way. That is the only way that you can not just break a habit, but make a habit. Make the right habits that are meeting the right needs. So what are your positive attributes? And by the way, you can apply the same concept to any bad habit, anger, getting defensive… you name it. Throw at me the bad habit, I will help you find positive attributes. That behavior is a condition response that is meeting needs. We have to get those needs met in a healthy, constructive way.

I hope this broadcast helped you get those needs met in a healthy, constructive way. And if you are struggling to build the life that you want for yourself, I do this with all my podcasts. The first person who reaches out texts me the word podcast at 877-769-3790 will get 50% off my group coaching program. That six month powerful program costs $1,997 and one person is going to get it for 50% off. You can also pay in installments. So what are the positive attributes of your negative behavior? The point of this exercise is to help you understand the needs that this behavior is meeting, so you can meet those needs in a healthy constructive way. My name is Craig para with www.themindfulhabit.com, thank you for listening.