Read the Transcript of the Show:
[00:00:10] You’re listening to Six Afflictions & Porn Addictions, and this is a broadcast to help you create healthy sexuality in a great life. Today, we are going to talk about a very important article that I found that references a specific type of type of exercise that makes people live longer. And I apologize for the clickbait. I couldn’t help myself. It’s not what you think. And that’s true. It’s not what you think. And obviously, physical health is important. No one, no one’s going to deny that physical is important. But the latest science suggests and by the way, I’m reading a great article by Ali Portillo in the magazine Outside in the title of the article is Researchers have pinpointed the one type of exercise that makes people live longer. It’s not what you think. That’s where I got the title from. So let me let me just kind of cut to the chase. If you’ve been in the addiction space for some time, you probably have heard the expression the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It’s connection. Okay. So there’s that. And in that YouTube video, Ted Talk by Jonathan Harvey, which I’ve included in the show notes for this broadcast, and I recommend you see it. He demonstrates piece by piece how important connection is for us. So I highly recommend you watch that because this builds on that statement and also builds on my practical experience in helping people now for over 11 years. And what’s the problem? We as men have no gender. I’m generalizing here, so obviously this doesn’t apply to everybody, but systemically we are lonely. In fact, I recently saw a study that said men are lonelier today despite all this interconnectedness. Than ever before, man. And it’s a joke in Hollywood.
[00:02:31] We are not vulnerable. We’re so not vulnerable. We won’t ask for directions even when we know that we need them. And we don’t socialize. Many men don’t have friendships. In fact, in this study they asked the people the question, You’re really the hypothetical is you’re really struggling emotionally. Who do you call at three in the morning? Most people. So they don’t nobody they don’t have anybody or they didn’t have any friends. So, you know, when you look at 12 steps and you look at the literature and there are a number of reasons why it’s successful now, not everybody connects with it. I personally didn’t. Doesn’t make me bad. Just makes me lacking in that area. Although I’ve come to develop a great respect and it’s it’s to me, it’s like antidepressants. Antidepressants, we know, saved some people’s lives. And we know there’s a black box warning on antidepressants which says, Hey, you might be one of the small amount of people that might get depressed. So different strokes for different people. I want to highlight, though, the one important aspect of 12 steps for all the addictions is the sense of community. The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It’s connection. And so contrast that with your life right now and ask yourself, is there any place in my life right now where I am able to speak truth? Is there any place right now in my life where I am vulnerable, where I am sharing my fears with a friend? With someone who cares about me. And the answer to most. Of those questions. Certainly when people start my program is no, they know they don’t have anybody answers, nothing. I don’t I don’t have that. There may be some superficial friendships, but let me read the article.
[00:04:44] What I like to do is to punch in the face in a pine loving way with the science, and that forces you to say to yourself, Hmm, I need to start paying attention to the type of exercise that’s going to make you live longer and happier and have a significant impact on your addiction. And that exercise is social fitness. Social fitness. We’re going to talk about what that is. We’re going to talk about what you can do about it. And we’re going to go through this article and I’m going to share with you some important evidence that is going to compel you. That is going to compel you to take action. It’s just like you can’t be successful without it. There are you know, some men are rocks. Some men are islands. But most of us, we are social creatures and we need that connectivity. Think of our ancestors back in the small the tribal days. Think about the you know, I think of, you know, all Plymouth where I grew up, right? Those old days, Right. How close those communities were profoundly dysfunctional in other areas. But I’m just saying we’ve lost that. We’ve lost that. So strengthening relationship ties by exercising what experts call social fitness is the most influential brain and body pack like weight training staves off bone density loss. As you age. By the way, brothers, you must be weight training, resistance training to stave off bone density as you age. I’m 51. I got to start paying attention to this stuff now. My brothers and they’re 2030s and forties get in on this early. So all the like weight training staves off bone density loss as you age I’m social fit and there’s counters the downstream effects of chronic stress not exercising your social fitness is hazardous to your health.
[00:06:44] Says Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. And he rose And he wrote a book called The Good Life. I heard great things about it. I’ve read a number of summaries. And basically this book is based on the 80 plus year happiness study there. And they’ve summed up 80 years of data in this book, The Formula for Health and Happiness, which is the aggressive pursuit of a great life, which is feeding the right wolf, which is meeting needs proactively, which is to break a habit. You have to make a habit, right? The other the making of the habit is connection. Is connection the formula for health and happiness. Hence, it hinges on positive relationships. Check this out. Check out these statistics. I’m getting excited now. If you regularly feel isolated and lonely. It can be as dangerous as smoking a half of a pack of cigarets a day or being obese. And let me say one thing personally, so I can be vulnerable here. I am presently in a like time to practice what you preach, brother, because you have isolated. So I’m this guy out there. I’m on my group calls. I’m doing my one on one. I have a lot of great connection, amazing connection with men all over the world with their partners. But COVID, post-COVID, I isolate, isolated, isolated when I ask myself in this and I have people I can call, but am I regularly getting together with other men in my life socially and being open and honest with these men about my struggles and challenges? No, I have given myself an F, so I’m scheduled a movie with my friend for next Monday. We’re going to get back to going every few weeks because we used to do that and that was wonderful.
[00:08:54] I have a meeting with my friend who is very active in the community. In two weeks we’re going to dinner with him and his wife so we can talk about how the mindful habit and Michelle and I can get involved in our community doing something that isn’t centered around our kids calling friends. Tony Overbay If you’re listening, text me back. So Tony Overbay is a local therapist here that I’m very close with in Roseville. Phenomenal. By the way, if you’re in this area, he’s your man or he’ll direct you to the right person. So it can be as dangerous as smoking a half a pack of cigarets per day. And let me know for you guys joining me live. Now, does anyone out there feel lonely? Is this resonating with you? Like unused muscles, neglected relationships, atrophy. The opposite of addiction. Is it sobriety? It is connection. So neither wealth nor social class were correlated with happiness levels or longevity. I’m going to pause and say things a couple of times. Sometimes neither wealth nor social class were correlated with happiness levels or longevity. Positive relationships, on the other hand, were consistently linked to happier, longer lives. Other large scale data reinforces this link between connection, happiness and longevity. Study, study, study says the same thing. Loneliness and social isolation are associated with immune dysfunction. And guys, just to put what else we’re going to win perspective, we are literally today witnessing the dissolution of the mind body disconnect. There is no mind body. It is mind body like it is one thing. It’s all physical, everything’s physical. This physical emotional distinction is literally being obliterated. We know as a matter of science that loneliness and social isolation are associated with immune dysfunction. We know that negative thinking impacts your genes.
[00:11:01] It’s called epigenetics and may even spike the risk of a heart attack. I’m sorry for yelling. I get excited. This takes the risk of heart attack or stroke by an estimated. Not 10%. Loneliness and social isolation spike the risk of a heart attack or stroke by an estimated. 30%. One of my best friends and I’m going with the movie with on Monday. Had a stroke. No, it wasn’t related to this. He had a genetic thing. But I’m just saying, can you imagine the impact of a heart attack or stroke? 30%. 30%. 30%. And guys who are watching me now, let me know if that’s shocking to you. The team found that social. Check this out. There are even now this is going to be a growing area. It’s very exciting to me because we need templates, we need guidance, we need structure. I like rules two plus two is for social fitness is critical to longevity. Okay, let me get on it. The team found that social fitness exercises such as doing someone a favor or practicing conflict resolution reduce loneliness and boosted well-being in soldiers. Their research team were among the first to suggest that positive relationships is analogous to physical fitness. In 2023, at the most technology connected moment in human history. People report feeling further apart than ever. 40% of older adults in the U.S. And by the way, my fastest growing demographic of clients since COVID has been men 65 and up. 65 and up. These guys and their partners are saying, enough and enough. I need to take action. I am lonely and this is my escape. These are my friends. I’ve heard people say that and I totally get it. This is all I have. Sad. It’s lonely. Let’s do something about it.
[00:13:12] So 40% of older and older adults in the US report Chronic loneliness add in pandemic related lockdowns and loneliness has hit record highs. Culminating with former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy classified as a lonely epidemic. Men. We are in a lonely epidemic. And. A commercial break. I want to tell you about an app that I absolutely love. This is a paid advertisement. I donated the small fee to charity. You may have heard on my podcast, Chandler Rogers talking about his porn pornography use. A wonderful man with his young wife Jade, and his. So he built an app that he wished he had during his healing journey. The app has tools to manage recovery goals and an S.O.S. button to reach out when feeling triggered in a system for accountability. With these little these these peer groups in my peer group, but I tested the app. There were three or four guys. I’m supporting each other, responding to each other’s messages. And when you think about accountability, when you think about social fitness, this app has it in a very safe way because you’re not exchanging personal, identifiable information. If you are interested to check out this great app, go to w w w dot join relay dot app. Join relay that app and use my code para one at checkout to join for free. PR a one. This is an easy commercial for those of you guys who have been listening. You know that I have been very reluctant and rarely actually promote someone that I don’t know personally. I know Chandler personally. I’ve communicated with people on his team personally. It’s a great product. I really, really like it. Is it for everybody? No, but there’s a whole bunch of guys listening to this who aren’t doing anything else and would get great value in accountability and community.
[00:15:30] And the relay app used a code pair one at check out to join for free. Okay, there’s a fee later on, but of course there should be and you should be dedicating resources to what you think is important. All right. So let me get back to this. So we are lonelier than ever before. What I want to talk about now is a couple of different ways that what we can do to increase our social fitness. One goal that I recommend for everybody, and this is what I’m doing now, and it may have sounded like a lot, I’m starting small. I know that in order to change habits, we’re not like the rabbit who can pivot really, really quickly one direction or the other. We can. In the short term, we’re more like turning a tanker. One of those big, big, big tankers, like turning one of those tankers around. It takes time. And if you jerk it too fast, apparently I that for a a Freudian slip. So start small. There are little things that you can do to increase your social fitness. And one way to start out first is map your social universe. To start to kick start your social fitness. Start with self-reflection like find journal notes app outline like where are you dedicating your time to other people? When are you connecting with other people? Who are you connecting with? What is the nature of your relationship? Are you being vulnerable with that person? Because it’s yes, it’s community. But as Brené Brown says in a very powerful YouTube TED talk that we’re going to talk about the power of vulnerability. So what are we got? We got. The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection. We’ve got Brené Brown saying the key to a happy, healthy life is, in fact, not just that connection, but vulnerability around that connection.
[00:17:36] And look at men and vulnerability. Goodness gracious. Can you think of anything more unappealing? But it is in that vulnerability where there’s life’s richness and beauty and and passion and purpose and pain and managing that pain in a healthy, constructive way and sharing that joy in pain with other people. So step one, after starting small map your social universe, do your due. Give yourself a social fitness audit. Okay, Next step strengthen key stones of support. Look in your life where you have those relationships and build those relationships. So for me, I go right to my cousin, Chris Clancy in North Kingston, Andie Bruno in Los Angeles, the old Delhi boys from back east in Rhode Island. These were friends, decade long friends. And my cousin both, you know, being related. These these are existing places where I can strengthen that relationship. Okay, Next, build routine. Like I said, I’m going to the movie with my friend Carl. Very, very soon. We have an awesome time doing that. And we’re going to get into a routine when we have the next meeting Monday. When we go, I think we’re going to go see maybe Megan, which is kind of a crazy thing. We’re going to plan the next one so routines are so important. Also create new connections. Put yourself out there professionally, personally, be vulnerable, Share your journey with other people. Create new connections. And the last tip I want to give you brothers and sisters, too. So much isolation with our ladies because they’ve retreated into a shell. Their betrayal trauma is so severe they have no one to talk about. So I want to apologize to my ladies listening that I did not throughout this lesson apply these lessons to you till they apply to everyone.
[00:19:41] Now, generally speaking, from a societal perspective, women statistically are less lonelier. What does that not mean? The women listening to me aren’t lonely. They are right men. Your wives are lonely. They feel isolated. They have no one to talk to. They’re afraid to talk to people because they don’t want to make you look bad. They don’t want to poison the relationship. They feel very much alone. So this is this is this is everybody. And as a couple, you can get out and do things together. That’s so important to have other couple relationships and to do fun things. All right. So last but not least, do emotional push ups. Here they are, right? These include striking up conversations with strangers. Oh, my God. My wife can do that. So naturally. It is literally cringe for me now. But I said of walking away or turning my back, I go towards. Right? That’s my emotional pushup. I go towards I listen and try to engage and, you know, and just, you know, I’m I am who I am, right? So I’m a little awkward. And that is, you know, accepting that striking up conversations with strangers, saying, thank you. And here’s one brothers, and I’m going to give you a quick lesson on this one, too. Accepting compliments without deflection. Let me know in the chat if you’re watching this later on. Put it in the chat. If you’re just for accountability and if you’re watching it now, do you have trouble accepting compliments from others? Do you have trouble accepting compliments for others? I do. Why? Because of an innate belief system that I’m a worthless piece of shit. Now I don’t feel that way, but I have a part that feels that way. Particularly when he’s under stress.
[00:21:35] At the root of this problem. This. Why don’t you. Why can’t you be vulnerable? Because you’re afraid to be abandoned. To be rejected. To be seen. And to be. To be disregarded. To be. To be abandoned. To be rejected. So I had a really difficult time taking. Countless people have said some of the most amazing, beautiful things to me. I feel very, very blessed, blah, blah. Right. I mean, I’m telling you, I don’t ever take any of those compliments for granted. But what I used to do in the beginning when I started this work, Oh, you know, cut it out, man. Listen, you did the work. I just pointed and you you went over there, and that’s true. They did the work. But brothers and sisters, who the hell are we to take that away from somebody? That’s what I realized. Who am I? If this person wants to give a compliment that they are expressing from the bottom of their heart. Why? I’m doing them a disservice by rejecting it, by minimizing it, demeaning it. So what I do, I have what I call my complement protocols. And because we’re creatures of habit, brothers, I invite you to come up and sisters with your own compliment protocols. So when someone gives me a compliment, I look them in the eye. I put my hand on my heart while they’re talking. They take a deep breath as they’re talking to me so I can breathe that compliment. And so it hits me at my core to take that in. I pause and I say thank you. It’s like, Oh, big deal. That was my reaction as I was telling you that. But it has been so important for me to honor that and to honor myself.
[00:23:30] So if you struggle with accepting compliments, come up with your. Complement protocols, which is the routine that you’re going to execute in the moment to help you stay present with that compliment and to open your heart, your mind, so you’re able to receive it. So once you receive it, you can build on it. So let me let me wrap up here. So the last thing that I wanted to share with you guys and gals about social fitness is this last bit here in the article to do emotional push ups. So striking up conversations with strangers saying thank you, which by the way, I went to a rave techno. Dubstep. Minimal techno event with my wife on Saturday. Oh, and I got to tell you guys a story. So I get up from the table. Right. We had a table that was it was like a basement of a mexican restaurant, which was awesome. And they had, you know, great stage, great people, great crowd, great bar. We had a wonderful time. I’m going to let me know if you’re interested in this story of this. And it’s just a story. I get it from the table. No one’s at the table. I come back to the table. There’s two young women sitting at the table. I sit down and I want to politely, you know, let them know, Hey, this is our table. We reserved it. We paid for it. And the lady says. Hey, you’re looking for a date. And I’m like. You have got to be kidding me. I get this like. Like sick feeling in my stomach. And of course, what happens? The mind wanders. But she’s probably wanting to socialize and be friendly, which of course, that wasn’t the case. And it looked like there was an element of shade.
[00:25:22] You know, there was, you know, when you kind of. There was definitely some some red flags. So anyway, to make a long story short, I immediately, you know, I pretended I was dumb. I told her we were my wife and I were celebrating together with some friends. And there she is over there. Hi, honey. And I waved to her as she came back. I told her, told the friends what happened. But anyway, I guess I just share that story because it is so important to be vigilant. Thank God I wasn’t crazy and I drank too much. And we’re out of control, right? What? What? You know, maybe if I was, maybe I would have continue the conversation longer. So, anyway, don’t be stupid, brothers. You are never going to eliminate temptation. We are wired to. To see it, to view it. Right. But we don’t have to love ourselves to get sucked up into the undertow and do things that are actually hurtful to our lives, hurtful to our relationships. There are things that you can do to embrace your power of choice. There are things that you can do to feed the right wolf in social fitness, like we talked about in this broadcast, is one of them. Thank you so much for listening. Embrace your power of choice. Feed the right. Wolf. Thanks for being awesome. If you need more help, visit the website www.themindfulhabit.com. You can check out the free training. And if you’re looking to get into a program, you can check out what we have. All right. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being part of my journey.
