Read an Edited Transcript of the Show:
You are listening to Sex Afflictions & Porn Addictions. I am your host, Craig Perra from www.themindfulhabit.com. I’m the founder of the Mindful Habit System. This is a podcast to help you create healthy sexuality and a great life. Today I want to talk about getting triggered when things are going good or great for you.
I want to give you three actions that you can perform to help you better manage these triggers when things are going well for you. It is an honor. It is a privilege that you are listening to me. Your time is your most valuable resource, and I hope to help you maximize that time.
Thank you. Thank you for listening. Truly an honor, and a privilege that you have selected me to join you on your journey. We all know that when we are feeling bad, we get triggered, to numb, cope, and escape. That’s what happens. That’s obvious. We want to escape from that low feeling.
When we’re depressed, when we’re anxious, it’s literally like a habit that’s almost wired into our DNA when you think about how long we have been using our sexual energy to numb, cope, and escape from those low feelings. From that shame, from those feelings of insignificance. Who listening here gets triggered when things are going great? I do.
I have to be vigilant when I’m on the wrong track and I need to be vigilant when I’m on the right track. I want to explain that to you and help you unpack that because that feeling good trigger, it’s a curve ball, “I’m feeling good. Why am I having thoughts about doing something that I know that I’m not supposed to do?”
I’m going to share with you a recent trigger that I’ve had. I just turned 50. I am blessed. I love what I do. I am literally in my purpose every single day of my life. I have people in my life that loved me. I recently had a great birthday celebration. Thanks to my amazing wife, Michelle and my kids in Lake Tahoe.
Truth be told, I have never been more grounded and physically healthy. My health problems are all, I’m staying ahead of them right now. My mental health problems I am staying ahead of them right now. I had a brachial plexus nerve damage injury to my hand back in late December.
Early January, I’ve got a busted up neck. I’ve had a surgical recommendation right now for a multi-level surgery replacement, discectomy. Chronic pain is something that I’ve struggled with most of my adult life. I have a chronic inflammatory condition. I’m good. Right now in this moment, I am good.
On top of that, I have been asked to participate in the Emmy award-winning TV series A&E show, Intervention, so I am so pumped about. By the way, if you are interested, if you’re struggling with a digital addiction and you’re interested in being on that show, and you would get value in sharing your journey, in exchange for free treatment, email support@themindfulhabit.com.
Michelle, we’ll put you in touch with the casting person. Anyway, if you want more information, check out the last podcast that I just did. I’m watching TV shows about addiction. Everything is going great. Everything is going great. There I was being triggered to buy drugs rugs on the dark net. To buy heroin on the dark net, and I was triggered.
I’m having thoughts about calling an escort to get drugs. You don’t have to worry about it being delivered. It’s easier that way, shortest distance between two points is a straight line. That is a path that I have used in the past to get drugs. What’s going on? Why am I getting pounded with these ridiculous, crazy thoughts when things are going well?
One word two words. Two words. One first word, fear. I am afraid, a lot of false expectations appearing real. Have you ever heard? The acronym for fear? False expectations appearing real, F-E-A-R. I am afraid of failing on this show. I’m afraid of embarrassing myself of saying the wrong thing.
Afraid the pressure of the show, frayed the impact that it will have on my mental health traveling, and that fear manifest itself as triggers. Remember, see, your triggers are trying to help you. I know that sounds crazy, but your triggers are actually an early warning alert system that is telling you that you need something, that you need something. Fear.
First, you’re never going to eliminate fear. There is no universe in your life where you are not going to be afraid, because if you’re not afraid, you’re not pushing yourself. You’re not embracing your best life. You’re not living your best life. You’re not challenging yourself.
You’re not putting yourself in situations where you are growing. There is no universe where you get rid of fear. It doesn’t exist. It doesn’t exist. Here I am successful, happy, thrilled about the opportunity. Boom, fear, fear, fear, fear. The second word that I like to say is sabotage.
Who here inside them has a saboteur part that essentially grows from this part of ourselves, that we are not good enough, that says you’re going to it fuck it up anyway. You’re going to end up back in the inpatient facility on the other side of this equation, that the Intervention show being about you, the junkie, just screw it all up.
That voice in your head. That’s the saboteur. It is very important to understand fear and the saboteur if you’re going to be successful in managing triggers when you are feeling good. What do you do about it? First, understanding where it’s coming from. I know that when I experienced growth, I am going to be afraid.
I have tools in place to help me proactively manage that. I have community. I’m able to share. “Oh my God, guys, let me tell you about these crazy thoughts that I had.” That brings value to them, that helps them being able to being shared, “Oh, wait a minute. I had this crazy thought. That doesn’t mean I’m crazy. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad guy person.”
I’m able to share it. One particular aspect of fear that not good enough part, the sabotage part, if you were using the Internal Family Systems Model, which I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with. Find an internal family systems, a therapist or counselor. Read about the modality, what they call that saboteur part. That’s a reactive protector.
Reactive because it’s a reaction and protecting, protecting. He’s protecting me saying, “It’s going to end bad. You’re going to fail. You don’t deserve it. Burn the fucking house down. The saboteur is the self-fulfilling prophecy part. To know where it’s coming from, I say, you got to know where it’s coming from, that means you must know the parts of you that get awakened when you’re experiencing fear.
When you’re experiencing growth, when you’re in that zone, feeling good and pow, you get punched in the face. All of a sudden, you’re wondering like, “Where did those crazy thoughts come from?” The Internal Family Systems Model gives us a great perspective to look at, and examine, study, connect with, learn more about our parts.
I’ve incorporated, what I’ve learned about the Internal Family Systems Model into the Mindful Habit System, and that saboteur, that self-destructive part of you, like all of your parts, has an origin story. Now, I’m afraid. My saboteur part kicks in, to know that part means I know where that part came from.
Meaning each part like a superhero or a villain has an origin story. That’s why when you go to see a psychologist or a psychotherapist counselor, they’re asking you questions about your past. Asking you questions about mom and dad. That’s where the programming was written. Each part has an origin story. Step one is you got to know where it’s coming from.
You’re going to know that part of you that gets awakened. Not just when things are bad, but when things are good. “I know the saboteur. I know where he came from. I know what he’s afraid of, and I am not going to let that part take over. That part is alerting me that I am afraid. It’s trying to warn me, and so I can address those fears were responsibly, proactively in a healthy, constructive way.”
Here’s the other thing you got to do when you get pounded with these triggers on the way up. You got to share it. You’ve got to share it. You need community. I believe that and this isn’t a sales pitch for my program. Although, that’s an important aspect of my programs, that you can check out on the MindfulHabit.com, that community is so important for the long-term support that we provide.
Guys, you can’t even access that on the website. You have to come through one of my programs to get that long-term support is that community, these guys supportimg each other, these guys reaching down and picking their brothers up when they’re down. These guys are sharing their fears, their vulnerabilities, their saboteur.
You need to share it and you need a community where you can share it where you’re not going to be judged, where not going to be labeled. You are not your thoughts. You don’t have to give those thoughts power, unless you choose to, or left to the untrained heart. You feel like you don’t have a choice.
You just get sucked into that undertow sharing it prevents you from getting sucked into that undertow and allowing that saboteurs part, who’s just a scared little boy, take over. Know your parts and share it. Number three, you need to have a plan. One aspect of that plan that I mentioned is sharing it. Now, a technique that I love.
That part of me, that’s scared, if you’re watching this on video, you will see here’s my journal. Journaling is a mission critical component of long-term success. There is an ample data that shows journaling actually reduces physical pain and is integral to well-being long-term. In that journal, what I did is I wrote down a voice dialogue with this part of me that is afraid, and wants to sabotage the whole thing.
Writing it down, giving that part a voice, letting that scared part just rant, if you will. For those of you familiar with the Internal Family Systems Model, I call this the reactive protector rant. Meaning, let’s pretend I have an angry part, and that angry part is thinking all these negative things about somebody, instead of suppressing those thoughts, I’m going to pull out my trusty journal.
Well, there’s a pen over there, you know what a pen looks like. I’m going to grab a pen and I’m just going to write down, “Fuck this, fuck that. I hate this person. I’m angry at this person. This person hurt me, blah, blah, blah. I give that part a voice. What happens when you give that part of voice, you don’t thought suppress.
When you don’t thought suppress, you don’t fall into the trap of that what you resist persists. By giving that part of you that rant, that voice dialogue, it sucks the energy out of that part. It gets your head thinking right. It helps you realize that this part of you is scared, or in the case of anger, this part of you was hurt. That angry part is trying to protect you.
It’s trying to make sure the other person knows that you’re serious. It’s instant attention, instant significance. The bigger, the anger, the smaller the inner child. The bigger the anger, the smaller the inner child. The bigger the saboteur, the more fear there is. The more there’s this scared little boy.
When you’re writing that rant, what that’s going to do over time, because you know that part, you’re able to connect that rant with, “Where did that part come from? Why in the universe of possible thoughts that anyone can have, in a numerable combination of letters and numbers, I think piece of shit. Why?”
I think, fuck it. You’re going to fail. Burn the house down. Do something ridiculously self-destructive. See, I’ve got a brain. I looked this up, there was an article, I think it was 2010. The New York Times on bath salts, the synthetic drug that you might have read about or heard about. People went crazy on this drug, but it was legal.
You could go to a head shop and buy it. I read the article and think to myself, “Can’t be that bad.” There begins a downward spiral. By the way, at the time, when I read that article, I had a great new job. I moved cross country. Life was good. No doubt. There were significant pressures in that job. Frankly, looking back, it definitely wasn’t a fit.
I definitely lacked the skill set to lead, at least at that point in my career. Bath salts, that sounds like a great idea. The article I forgot to mention, was how bad it is, how it’s just ripping through the fabric of the American soul, and people are losing their mind. People are losing their mind. Well, guess what?
Surprise, surprise. I ended up losing my mind and here I am. Here I am. Failure equals opportunity, brothers and sisters who are listening and watching. Failure equals opportunity. Have a plan, share it, write down your voice dialogue, write down that rant, give that saboteur part a voice, a stage, a platform, and don’t sensor. Let it go.
Next, doubled down on self-care. When I started having these negative thoughts, I also started feel the pull of panic attacks. That’s a relatively new thing for me over the course of the past. I think couple years, almost two years, they know what they were, “Come on, suck it up. It’s only a panic attack. It’s in your head. You can get over it.”
Holy shit, I am grateful for these panic attacks because they help me help people with panic attacks a lot better. It is just debilitating. It is instant. Just panic, panic, panic, panic, and you don’t even need a reason, but the mind will find one. I could feel the pull of these panic attacks, so I share it. I let Michelle know what’s going on.
I let my guys in the program know what’s going on. I write down this voice dialogue. I got here the frayed ends of sanity, fear. I think I was quoting Metallica. The Frayed Ends of Sanity. Hear them calling, hear them anyway. That’s what it felt like, the pull, the pull on the panic, the pull just knowing your one paying away from having an acute panic attack. If anyone has them, you know they get worse.
They get worse when you fear that it’s never going to end, it’s never going to end. I could feel that pull, so I had to double down on self-care. I had to eat better. I had to sleep better. I had to hydrate better. I had to step up my exercise as best I can, and I had to up my mindfulness game. I already mentioned, I had to journal.
Rigorous self-care rooted in self-love is the cure for so many of our problems, and it is the cure for this one. Last but not least, you need to nurture, honor, respect, protect, and love that broken part of you. See, the tendency is that part that’s having these crazy thoughts about buying drugs, calling escorts to buy drugs, moving money around on the online accounts from this account to that account.
Those thoughts, behind the mask of that saboteur, or I’m using Internal Family Systems language, that reactive protector, there is an exile. There is a wounded broken inner child that is so scared of failure. That is so afraid of being successful. That is so scared of the attention, and yet desperately craves it.
That is in fear behind the masks of all your angry parts, your addict parts, your sabotage part is a broken wounded inner child. In the Internal Family System, it’s referred to as an exile. In summary, you are not going to get triggered only when you’re feeling bad. We know that’s going to happen. If you’re anything like me, you are going to get punched in the face when things are good.
There’s a number of specific reasons to why that happens. In this podcast, I hoped you learn that one, you’re not alone when things are good. I hope you might have a better understanding of why you get triggered the way you do when things are good. Last but not least, you have a framework now to do something about it. Have a plan. Share it in community.
Write down that voice dialogue, that reactive protector rant. Give that part of you the stage, “Here, take it away. You want to burn the house down? You want to throw everything that you’ve worked for away. Tell me why that’s such a good idea. Here you go. Here’s the mic.” Write it down. Every word don’t suppress it. Don’t suppress that part. That part needs to breathe. That part is trying to tell you something.
When you get to that, when you unmasked that part, and you see that child, that’s the part that you need to nurture, honor, respect, protect, and love, and that is your mission. To nurture honor, respect, protect, and love your broken parts. Love your addict. Love your anger. Love your saboteur. That is the path to help you being set, successful, creating healthy sexuality and a great life.
It’s why the Internal Family Systems Model and parts work is so, so, so critically important. The practical value forgot about the depth and the feels like you can cram. Feels like when I did it, months of therapy into this weeks of experience with examining these parts, there’s so much power and understanding your parts, because most of you listening to this podcast hate that part of you.
That means you hate you. Most of you listening to this podcast, want to reject, scorn, disowned, stuff down those parts of us that we don’t like. I proposed that as the wrong path, the right path is learning to love every cell in your body, every space between every cell. When you understand where those parts come from, you will know what I’m talking about it.
This is Craig para from the Mindfulhabit.com. You are listening to Sex Afflictions & Porn Addictions. Thank you so much for listening. Here’s to feeding the right wolf inside you. What do I always say? Feed the right wolf inside you and embrace your power of choice. Please, have a great summer.
Nope, make it a great summer. Let this be the summer where you reclaim the power inherent in your sexual energy, and you start channeling it and directing it in a healthy, constructive way. Signing off. Bye, everybody.
